Palm Sunday Reflections

Here’s the first thought that ran through my head this morning: “You don’t belong anywhere.” Most people don’t like waking up because they are sleepy and don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t like waking up because I know it’s when I’m at my most vulnerable. The figurative little voice in the back of my head knows my defenses are down, and attacks, screeching “You are worthless.” Half of the time (more than half of the time to be honest), I fall into the trap and believe the voice. You could say this isn’t a great start to a day, and that would be an understatement. It was even more disheartening to have these thoughts on my favorite Sunday of the entire year: Palm Sunday. I was struck by the intense feeling that I will never find anywhere I belong. There are specific times in Colombia when I feel very acutely that I don’t belong. It is blindingly clear in these moments that I am the outsider, the foreigner, the gringa. No matter how few and far between these instances are, they still hurt. There are times when I also worry that I won’t fit in when I return to the U.S. I’ve grown and I’ve changed during this year. What if I no longer belong at home either?

These are the thoughts I carried with me to my church’s Palm Sunday service. They were devastating. But through my pain, God reached out to me. During the service today, we celebrated la cena del Señor (communion). While we typically are seated during communion, today the congregation stood up, queued in two lines, received our communion at the front of the church, and walked back to our pews. This was comforting to me because this is how communion is served at my home church in the U.S. It was a little piece of home. And during this communion, I felt God’s presence with me. I was overwhelmed by God’s love. As I walked to the front of the church to partake in the bread and the wine, I thought about the people surrounding me. I thought about how much they mean to me, and how much they love me and care about me. I thought about Jesus’s entrance into Jerusalem, and how Holy Week wasn’t exactly an easy week for him either. I thought about how Jesus continued to love everyone through his pain. I stopped thinking so much about myself and started thinking about things that are bigger than me: my community, my support network, and my Savior. And that’s when I had an epiphany: I shouldn’t be so scared about not belonging anywhere because I already belong to someone: God. And this God, the one and true God, loves me more than I can ever begin to comprehend. God’s grace covers all of my faults, all of my mistakes, and my negative self-thoughts too. I felt reaffirmed that I DO matter. I am worthy of love because I belong to the Lord. This is something I want to honor.

I had another special “God moment” during today’s worship service. The closing hymn really spoke to my heart, and I think you’ll understand why when I share the lyrics with you. Here is my English translation of the Spanish hymn “Te pertenezco Señor”:

Give me strength, Lord, to do what’s required of me

And follow your paths, oh God. And grace, too,

To remain as your faithful servant, Lord.

So alone, I want to be by your side, Lord.

And follow you forever, oh God.

Wherever you go, Lord.

I belong to you, Lord.

You are my everything and my God.

I give you my life,

I belong to you, Lord.

Every day, Lord, I will pick up my cross,

And by your side I will forever be.

To men I will say that the light has come,

The victory of our King.

So alone, I only want to be by your side, Lord.

And follow you forever, oh God.

Wherever you go, Lord.