You would think that after 6 years of studying Spanish, I would be able to communicate flawlessly in my second language. The fact of the matter is that this simply is not true. There have been times over the past few weeks when I have felt overwhelmed by my inability to express what I am thinking, or to understand what people are telling me. This has been hard for a couple of reasons in particular. The first is that I am super extroverted. I get my energy primarily from being around others, and from talking with them. When I can’t do this well, my energy wanes and I start to feel drained. The second is that I have been studying Spanish for years and have lived in a Spanish-speaking country before. For this reason, I expect myself to speak perfectly all of the time, since I have been exposed to lots of Spanish. The most recent time I felt this disconnect, I had a nice little pity party for myself. “Why can’t I explain this properly?!” I lamented. “What if people think I’m dumb or rude because I don’t say enough?” I worried. “Why am I still making simple mistakes if I’ve been studying Spanish for so long?” I questioned.
After some minutes of feeling sorry for myself and wishing I spoke better than I actually do, a little voice in the back of my head reminded me of an important truth. This is many people’s reality every single day. I signed up for this. I knew that overcoming language barriers would be a part of my service year in Colombia. But for many people around the world, struggling to speak a second (or third, or fourth, or fifth) language every day is not a choice. It is obligatory. I think about immigrants and refugees who arrive in new lands, and how language barriers might affect them. I know the anxiety and discomfort I sometimes feel concerning my second language is only a fraction of what others experience daily. All this has helped me recognize an aspect of my multi-layered privilege that I often forget about. In a year, I will be back in the U.S., living in a country where my first language is spoken. When I encounter language barriers, it is because I choose to. I chose to live for a year in a country that does not speak my first language. Not everyone is afforded that choice.
Now you know that, lately, I have been hung up on speaking and communicating perfectly. It may surprise some of you to know that I am a perfectionist, but it really is true. Deep down in my heart, I want to succeed at everything and never make mistakes. Let me just tell you now that I think this year will snap me out of that elusive dream of perfection real quick. Every day I make mistakes, and little by little, I am learning to accept that. Errare humanum est, right? Something that I am grateful to be learning in the beginning of my year is that mistakes are opportunities for growth. I could stop speaking Spanish entirely, or stick to only words I am 100% certain I am using correctly. Then I would never make a mistake, and could save myself the trouble of feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. But you all know I am not going to do this, for multiple reasons:
If I stop speaking Spanish, I won’t get to talk to my friends, family, and the people I work with here, and I adore them.
If I don’t dare to use new words, my Spanish will never improve.
I love Spanish too much to stop trying.
Today I am committing myself to being patient. Language learning is a process. It takes time, and mistakes are a necessary part of that process. As you think about me, please pray for my spirit; that God would help me to be gracious with myself when I err, and give me a courageous heart and attentive ears as I adjust to hearing and using a new dialect and colloquialisms in Barranquilla.
I would like to close with a thought that really touched my heart today. A friend and coworker lent me a copy of the book Tatuajes en el corazón (Tattoos on the Heart) by Gregory Boyle. As I was reading it this morning, one line in particular spoke to me: “Aquí donde estamos, con todos nuestros errores e imperfecciones, es Tierra Santa.” Here where we are, with all of our mistakes and imperfections, is Holy Ground.
Amen!
P.S. If you are wondering where the title of this post came from, it is the question I get asked the most here, because of my peninsular Spain/U.S. American hybrid accent. :)